Tales of a 30 Year Old Freshman

I haven't written a blog in almost a year! Been swamped with work and school. Yep, school! This blog was never meant to be ultra personal, and I usually don't say much about my private life. I've learned that I don't really owe anyone an explanation and sometimes it's better to just silently do your thing, but for some reason I feel like sharing. So let me share with you something I wrote for one of my Multimedia classes two trimesters ago.

Disclaimer: It doesn't get more personal than this. <3

Here's my story.

I was born in 1986 to a family of artists. Both my parents graduated from the Bachelor of Fine Arts Program in UP Cebu, and my dad has been a professor in the University since I was two. Though not explicitly stated, I was groomed to follow in his footsteps, being trained in the arts since I was old enough to hold a pencil in my hand. I joined my very first art competition when I was 6. The theme had something to do with the values of a Filipino family. I drew a bahay kubo, and a mother, father and daughter smiling in the foreground. I thought I was just drawing for fun, and didn't really take it seriously. My medium of choice? A box of crayons. There was over 100 participants, and needless to say I didn't even make it to the top 10. And well, I could have cared less. I was just excited to go home and play. I only realized how bad I had "messed up" when my dad started giving me the cold shoulder on our way home. Oops, I made him mad. Clearly he was disappointed. I came home and took a page out of my coloring book, colored it the best I could, and showed it to my dad as some kind of "peace offering". He said, "You should have colored like that  during the contest." Silence. And right then and there, in my little 6 year old mind, began what was to become a life-long battle to live up to his expectations.

Many more art contests followed, and being driven by the insatiable desire to please who I ought to please, I started winning. One after the other, the trophies and medals started raining in. Losing was not an option. 

And then highschool happened. I went to UP High in Cebu, where all the professors knew my dad. I was known as "Prof. Roque's daughter". Heck, my biology teacher would even call me by my dad's first name! I started to resent always being associated with him. Always living in his shadow, never quite being good enough, and all eyes on me just waiting for my next screw up. At some point I got tired of being the little show monkey that I was, and decided to stop giving a f*ck altogether. 

When it was time to pick a course for college, I still wanted to take up something where I could nurture my creativity, but I wanted to be somewhere where I wouldn't be known as just my dad's daughter.

Bachelor of Science in Clothing Technology --- fashion design, production, merchandising and research! Offered only in UP Diliman --- 860 kilometers and a plane ride away from my dad! FREEDOM AT LAST. 

I started college in 2003. New city, new friends, new dorm, new life, and freedom intoxicated me . It intoxicated me FAST. I was sixteen and experimenting with everything and anything, forgetting what a sought after opportunity I had to be studying in the country's premiere university. After my junior year in Diliman, I decided to come home and shift to the BA Mass Communication program in UP Cebu. I was lost and had no idea what the hell I was doing with my life anymore. My grades were all shit, and college life was one big blur. I was known to my professors as "the aparition", poking fun at how rarely I'd show up in class. Life was a string of 3's, 4's, Drops and INCs. I was a mess.

And then just when I thought I couldn't be saved, I got pregnant in 2007. I had been with my then boyfriend for 7 years already, so it was an easy decision to marry him even though we both weren't done with school. No stable job, no savings, no idea what we were getting ourselves into. But the birth of my daughter changed me for the best. And even when my husband and I split after just three years of marriage, my daughter is the one thing in life that has kept me sane through every battle. 

She's nine now. My dad whom she fondly calls "Pappi" loves her immensely and spoils her to pieces. I moved back home in 2011, back to the home I tried so hard to escape years before. But somehow things have changed and I no longer see myself imprisoned. I've also realized what an amazing father and mentor my dad has been. I am filled with nothing but pride to be the daughter of such an awesome and accomplished man. I have learned to accept that although he has set the bar pretty damn high, it was never a competition. He only wanted to bring out the best in me.

Early in 2016, I started drawing and painting again for the first time in 12 years. I am no longer hounded by the feeling of not being good enough, nor am I afraid of living in anyone's shadow. I'm pretty happy just being me. Last April, my BFF and I founded The ArtisTryst, an art group which aims to unite artists and art enthusiasts, regardless of discipline and achievement. In less than a year, the group has grown to over 4,000 members (update: 6,300+ members as of this writing), my dad being a very active and supportive one. =) 

I have been blessed with a stable career in Marketing despite my lack of a college degree, but every year when graduation season comes around the corner, I feel pangs of jealousy seeing photos on Facebook of graduates in their Sablay. For the past 9 years, I've kept thinking to myself, that could have been me, had I had my shit together when I was in school. Of course, as a single mother, I had to put my dreams on the back burner. I thought I had missed my chance at a UP Diploma. 

I found out about UP Open University two years ago, but I was scared to take a step because I didn't want to disappoint my family yet again. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to balance work and school. I had so many other excuses and reasons, but bottomline is that I didn't want to mess up again. I didn't want to fail again. I was afraid.

I still am, quite frankly. This is my first term as a student in Open University, and my heart pounds everytime I launch the portal on my browser. Hahaha! But this is my chance. My chance to fulfill a dream long overdue. My chance to tell my dad that all his hard work did not go to waste, and that I appreciate all he's done for me. My chance to show my daughter that with the right atittude and enough courage, you can do anything you set out to do. Courage, after all, is not the absence of fear, but facing it even when you're scared out of your wits. This is my chance to finally make things right. No longer just to please who I ought to please, but because deep down in my heart, I want so bad to one day wear a Sablay with pride. 

This is my journey, my story. My name is Mikki Roque, and welcome to the tales of a 30 year old freshman. =)

**UPDATE:

Since this blog post was written, I have been enrolled in 3 terms in UP Open University, and am technically on my sophomore year --- or something like that. Hahaha! So far, so good. I am so happy with my decision to go back to school. No matter what people say, it's NEVER TOO LATE to do what's right. I would also like to take this opportunity to say THANK YOU to my Papa and Mama for your unwaivering love and support, and for the many chances you have given me to start anew. I don't know where I would be without both of you. And although I rarely say it, I know that I am so blessed to have parents like you. To my sister Mikka, and my daughter Jenikka, thank you for being my cheerleaders (and sometimes my tutors), you are my inspiration everyday! <3

Now tama na ang drama coz I'm not quite there yet, basin mabuyagan. LOL
Back to regular programming. ;)